The other day, I sat with some friends chatting about life. When the subject of harassment and sexual abuse came out, my friend described an episode that she was involved in. In a very natural reaction, her boyfriend asked questions about the details of harassment and abuse: “who was he?”, “where were you?” “did you know him?” “where had you met him?” “but like, where did he put his hand?”. This is a very human response; if someone we care about has been hurt a common reaction is to feel a sense of responsibility for not being able to do anything. We want to feel useful, resolve their problems by finding a reason why they were harassed or abused. But I think it is important to know that the best a man can do when sexual trauma is being explained to you by a woman you care about is to be in a position that is humble, free of judgement and rooted in listening. Don’t ask, just be there, and know that the person will share what they want to share, and it is not in your right to know the details, or to try and solve the situation. This is not your story. It might be in the past, but it is still very present in the person sharing her experience, and this is a moment to leave that space. You can offer your love and compassion, that is the only thing you have control on. It is a delicate space, where love and calm are the best thing you can offer. It is also important that who is listening knows that trauma is subjective, unlike the media has often portrayed. It doesn’t always matter what was done, what matters is how it was received and why. We know that one in three women has been harassed or abused, so the probabilities that a loved one has been are high. If and when she decides to share her experience offer that listening space silently, and let her know that you are here however she wants you to be. Full article here
